Today was so much better than yesterday. Getting over a tricky hump and moving forward is good. I am learning. Sometimes I slide so far back that I am sure nothing is changing regardless of what I do. And then wham, there it is. The learning. A giant section of those tangled and messy threads comes undone and the sense of relief and strength I feel from that is hopeful. I am not my parents' child.
Today my friend mentioned a simple phrase she came up with that is brilliant. I am putting it here so I will remember. Comfort over care. I am realizing and learning that the world out there favours the easy, comfortable road even when that road leads to a dead end. I am starting to see that somewhere along the way I got it into my head that if I healed myself just right, and made myself a better person "just right" that I would find a Utopian world of like-minded individuals that were previously inaccessible to me because I'd been so busy hiding. And that together we would form this world where everyone would be dealing with their own shit like responsible, sane adults and that there would be less insanity and less suffering. And the crazies would just magically back the fuck off. It would be so much easier. Breezier. Content.
But the world out there is ultimately not like that. What is going to change is how I relate to this world, this imperfect and fucked up world where people will sell themselves and anyone else out to maintain a sense of comfort. And I am... I am changing how I relate to it. Sometimes in slow, difficult, and painful steps and sometimes in light, free, and formidable leaps.