The man who was not my biological father but who acted as my father for the bulk of my childhood died. I have turned off comments. Please do not offer me condolences or sympathy. I did not like the man. I did not love him. My emotions are high but they're not the kind of emotions you feel when someone you love dearly and who has enriched your life is gone. There is going to be a lot of anger. There is going to be a lot of other emotion I'm not aware of yet but can feel like a ball in my gut. Fuck.

It's so strange because I was going to post here today about changing my surname. My last name is his last name. It was not the name on my birth certificate. My name was changed at age four when my mother married him.

For years I have struggled with what to do about my name. Should I take back my birth name? My birth name is my grandmother's name. She gave it to my mother who gave it to me. So much in my life seems to get passed down matrilineally. I don't mean that in the best possible way either.

But I'd been hesitant about taking that name back. And I thought about coming up with a completely new name that was just mine and didn't have ties to anyone. But I couldn't think of anything. A surname always refers to something. How do you make a name when you have nothing to reference?

I am 90% certain that I am going to take my birth name back. Which is very strange because I think I'll be the only one left alive with it. Changing a name is such a big deal. It's such a monumental decision.

So much all at once.